2/25/2017 0 Comments Taboo Subjects![]() Talking about sex and intimacy has become taboo in the LDS culture. But, has this helped or hindered us? Have we made sex seem shameful because we don’t teach our kids about it? Or have we made it desirable to a rebellious child? Or maybe by doing this we sheltered kids so much that they don’t even know what it is? Regardless of your taboo preferences, we’re going to talk about sex today and why we need to communicate about intimacy. There are a lot of myths that come with sexual relations. The first one is that sex is bad. Sex is not a bad thing, if it is done in the right circumstances. Between a man and a woman, who are lawfully married to each other. Along with this definition comes another myth, that sex is only to have children. Yes, that is the main purpose God created our bodies for. However, intimacy improves marriages, as well. This myth does come from LDS members a lot. In the LDS Church Handbook, it states: “Sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation, but also as a means of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife.” Another myth is that good couples don’t have intimacy problems. FALSE. Sexual relations are not easy to figure out. This is why communication is key. You need to be comfortable enough with your spouse to talk about what you like or dislike and how you are feeling while being intimate. Sometimes you might need a therapist to help you, and there is nothing wrong with that. The third myth is that women do not have a sexual drive. WRONG. Women are just as aroused as men, they just don’t always know it. In fact, there are key differences between male and female arousals, which is why men are called “horn dogs” and women are called “prudes” or “killjoys.” You see, the sexual arousal process for men includes one step: Desire. Men have sexual arousals many times a day, and even without the desire, young men have erections an average of 6 times a day. Women on the other hand, have many steps. Starting with step 0: Relationship climate. Before a woman can even begin to be aroused, the “climate” has to be secure, and something she is comfortable with. If the climate is good, then comes the first step: Deciding. Women have to mentally flip a switch inside that says, “Yes, I want to be intimate with this man.” And if things are not ideal, the switch stays at “No, I don’t want this.” The next step in women’s arousal is to connect. Women’s minds are constantly going at a million miles an hour, in a million different ways. So, in order to get her mind cleared, she needs to talk for a while and get some closure in her mind. Once her mind is focused, foreplay needs to happen. This includes physical touch before sex. This then creates the desire to be intimate. Another difference for men and women is sex and security. For women, they need security before they can comfortably have sex with someone. Men however, want sex in order to feel secure in a relationship. So, what does all of this information teach us? To me, this means that God created men and women differently for a reason. And this reason, is for us to step outside of ourselves and be intimate with another and meet each other’s needs. Just as we need to learn how to be intimate with our spouse, we need to avoid being intimate with others. How do we fall in love with our spouse? We share our hopes and dreams, thoughts and feelings, personal experiences, fears, and other details of our loves. We trust each other, spend time together, care about each other. This being said, we need to avoid sharing intimate details of our lives with those of the opposite sex once we are married. Here are some words of caution: DON’T THINK YOU ARE SAFE FROM INFIDELITY! A lot of married couples have to work closely with coworkers of the opposite gender. If proper rules and boundaries are not set early on, lines get crossed. Some rules that couples come up with include the following:
Evaluate your relationship with coworkers on a regular basis. Do not let yourself have imaginative thoughts about coworkers. Listen to your spouse’s concerns with others. Think to yourself “How much would I want my spouse doing what I’m doing?” When you get married you need to sit down and seriously evaluate your friends of the opposite gender. If you have a best friend of the opposite gender, as hard as it may be, you need to minimize that friendship. Your spouse should be the person you go to with problems, concerns, doubts, fears, good things, hopes, etc. not your opposite gender best friend. “Marry your best friend.” This phrase is commonly mistaken. It does not mean that somehow you will fall in love with your current best friend after years of them being in the friendzone (although Hollywood wants you to believe this). It does mean to make the person you love your best friend. Confide in them, listen to them, and build a solid friendship with them and your marriage and intimacy will become much easier and work well. Another way to avoid infidelity is to get rid of contact with friends of the opposite gender on social media sites, and maybe even phone numbers. In surveys, hundreds of thousands of people admitted that Facebook helped end their marriage. Most of these people got in contact with their old high school sweethearts and left their spouses for the “love” they used to have. Another cause of infidelity is comparing past relationships to your marriage. DON’T. If you want to have a solid marriage, communicate with each other. Try to understand your partner intimately. Guard your marriage and create healthy, strong, well-known boundaries. And lastly, DON’T THINK YOU ARE SAFE FROM INFIDELITY!
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